The Diary Of A Confused Soul

I finally finished Dennis' scarf.

It took too long... not that it was difficult... not in the least. I just had either too much pain to knit or no time to knit, which both of course make me sad.

I used to find little snippets of time to knit while Dino napped or slept... but I've been in so much pain lately that I nap and sleep right along with Dino. Pain makes me tired... either that or their is something else wrong. My mom said that anemia makes you tired but only if it's really bad. I haven't been checked for anemia in six months... maybe it got worse.

I should probably talk about my doctor's appointments.

First off, they scheduled me with the wrong clinic, and then I had to admitted under special circumstances to the correct clinic because their appointments are backed up until September.

Second. Everyone knows I have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis, both of which are an autoimmune disease, but not everyone in god damned UMDNJ needs to know. I swear they brought in the entire dermatology department to look at me.

Third. I am in pain. Severe pain. right now I have to take 800mg of Ibuprophin 3 times a day just to manage the pain cause that's the only thing that's safe... Dino still has a booby fix, and will still have a booby fix for another six months at least.

I seriously wish i could afford my acupuncturist, then I would be cured.... well maybe not cured, but not in any pain any more. That man was God. I hate modern medicine. But medicaid doesn't cover it, and I don't work, so here I am trying to seek relief from two Dr.s (wow that didn't sound right) instead of one doctor treating the autoimmune disease.

Now I just wish someone would look at the levels of hormones I had during pregnancy where I was pain free, and inject me with those levels, slowly of course. WHY aren't they doing research like that?! It makes sense to me, no pain during pregnancy, hmm... what was different besides the baby in the belly?

My son's doctor suggested I wean Dino, because it might help... Perhaps my body is working too much to make milky. But Dino loves his milky and I wont do that to him.

Every answer the doctors had for me was to stop breast feeding Dino. They can't give me anything until he denounces the boob.

So do I live in pain for the next six months to a year, for my son to get the full benefits of breast milk (he's never been really sick, nothing more than a runny nose really) or take back my boobies, so I can get the treatments that I really don't want in or on my body anyway just so I can look better, feel better and maybe be able to work again?

I don't know.

I am lost.

Of course this all boils down to the fact that I shouldn't be living in Jersey, I need heat and sun and the salty sea. Blah.