The Diary Of A Confused Soul

8:30 AM appointments at the medicaid office are not fun. Luckily my new social worker is really nice. I've had too many social workers in the last year... high turn over job. The good news is however that my insurance will hopefully be reinstated. She said I'd get a letter from her and my new cards should be their in a couple of weeks. Then Dino can go to the Dr., and I can get new glasses if I'm covered if not... then I have to wait till I have a few hundred dollars.

I also stopped by my potential employer since they are right around the corner and said hello to Jenny, and find out how my application is going. Apparently I didn't give them a copy of my diploma from Arts, so I had to go across the street to the board of ed, and get a stamped letter saying the date I graduated and what not. Fun times. Anyway, I met the woman who will be interviewing me, she's really nice and she told exactly what jobs I could have. Basically she'll be interviewing me as a part time assistant teacher for Head Start. There are no benefits, so I'm PRAYING my HMO goes through, but it's $9.97 an hour, and they send me to whatever site they need me that day, which I don't mind at all... it would just be difficult if any kids get really attached to me.

She seemed really interested in me, I also had Dino with me, so she can see my need for employment, and on top of that, everyone thought he was the most adorable and well behaved baby they had ever seen! Dino is my good luck charm. Yay! Who would have thought that me and Tom could have made the cutest baby in the world? I noticed that whenever I bring Dino somewhere with me, his good behavior and good looks gets me what I need, quickly, easily, and efficiently.

It's just really weird that they needed proof I graduated from high school. I have never been asked for it before, ever.

Tomorrow me and Dino will have the house to ourselves until the 8th. That's when Sam comes back home from her artists retreat, and then on the 13th my stupid father comes home... the asshole.

I am honestly afraid to be here by myself... I hate this house. I am really starting to believe it's haunted. I keep hearing things, and it's a brand new freakin' house!

So I am going to be really lonely. That means, SLEEPOVERS! Please, I beg, boys are welcome too. I don't wanna be alone in this house for so long... it's like Rose Red, it'll eventually turn me insane!!

I almost forgot... today is the 2nd year anniversary of Dino's conception. Kind of a sacred yet difficult day for me... scary.

They're gone (my parents that is), thank whoever the hell is up there to thank!

I had a mini sort of sleep over yesterday... twas fun, minus the fact that we scared ourselves thinking the house was haunted. Sometimes I think it is... Sam says the ghosties have told her in her sleep that they are there. It is the only recurring dream she has had, so, I don't know. Although that might explain why Dino can't sleep in his crib. I know he doesn't like the mattress, but a couple of times I swear I've seen dark shadows over his crib when he's whimpering. I mean it could also be a build up of all the negative energy in this house. It really drains you. Which is just another reason as to why me, Dino and Sam need to get out of here.

I am actually bored. Sam is working all week and then she's gonna be gone completely for five days straight. I've never had the whole house like that to myself before with Dino. I am somewhat scared. If anyone wants to spend a couple of days here, they're more than welcome to. We pretty much have enough supplies in this house to sustain a boarding house.

Yeah, I'm pretty much begging, this stupid house does freak me out. Three floors and a damn basement, I hate it. I like to be able to see the entire place, and know who's in each room, especially when you live in the city.

For some strange reason my bone have been hurting the past couple of days, I mean it''s been nothing but thunderstorms so that's probably it. Arthritis sucks.

It's really lonely when Dino is asleep.

We found out that his favorite character is Sponge Bob. He wakes up in the morning and says "mama, mum mum" which is basically mama, feed me, and then once we're down stairs, he will take the remote hand it to me, and say "Bob Bob". He gets so happy when it comes on. I haven't watched Sponge Bob in so long, and I forgot how funny and raunchy it is. Luckily they play it for like three hours straight twice or more a day. Now I just have to get a Sponge Bob toy for him. Avon has a huge cuddle pillow for $19.99 so I might get that when I order a new lipstick, and nail polish.

I was hoping to contact a representative, but maybe not until I start working. I need to actually see the colors of mineral makeup to find my right shade. Problem with me is, I need a separate shade in the summer, cause I tan so dark, but if I don't keep up my tan in the winter, which technically I should be doing, I become too pale.

At one point I was actually thinking about becoming a representative. I love makeup, and I love putting it on people's faces. Working at Strauss has also proven to myself that I am a really great sales person. But I don't know. The company does let you be flexible with hours which is awesome. I'd like to work for a huge corporation like that, especially one that has been around so long.

Anyway, I want to finish my socks. Half way done with the first one. Then two more pairs to knit, plus my shawl... then another yarn order to do all new winter stuff. I was actually thinking of making Dino's winter coat. I'll just knit a pea coat a few sizes too big then shrink it in the wash. Of course if I wind up doing all this winter knitting this summer, I shall be pretty disappointed if this winter is mild. Me and Sam each want, a new hat, scarf, leg warmers, gloves or convertible mittens, and I wanted to make myself at least one extra wooly sweater, cause my boobs get entirely too cold.

That is all from me. Ciao!

I've been hit by the Salmon Bot three times now. I've been trying to figure it out. It's strange.

I might have mentioned at one point or another that my mother believed that she would be taking Dino to Florida for the entire summer. Bullshit. I never wanting him to go... she just kept saying it, and telling Dino things like "baby you're gonna have so much fun at the beach every day!" My ass.

I consider myself somewhat normal after having them as parents, and I thank my good friends for that and teachers who taught me what child abuse was.

Bottom line is, they are not fucking up my son. He is MY SON. I am sorry that bitch opened her legs three times and only had girls, yeah to a Greek man that is major shame right there, and I'm sorry that I'm not married to my son's father, but again, he is MY SON.

I was supposed to "negotiate" with Tom, and "reason" with him as to why Florida with my mother would be better for him then up here in Jersey, with um... yeah, his PARENTS, his ACTUAL mother and father?

I might as well let everyone know now, that Tom is doing a really good job at being a dad. Dino loves his daddy, he says Dada and gets all excited when I tell him we are going bye bye to see his Daddy. He even likes to call his Dada on Mama's cell phone, whenever Mama isn't looking. So say what you like about that, I don't give a shit, just remember that a one year old little boy is involved, people like to forget that fact when they're talking shit.

Anyway on to the paranoia. My father over the years, has become quite paranoid, he believes "his family" (me, my sisters, and mother) are "plotting" against him behind his back. Now however he has lured my mother into his cloud of dementia. My mother now is very sure, that me and Tom are plotting something, that something is going on behind her back and she doesn't like it. She also got me up this morning with, "Don't you know he (Tom) is trying to take him (Dino) away from you?" She went on and on. Then out of no where said "You are letting him have his way, you're supposed to be 50 50 on this and you're just letting him walk all over you, getting his way, you're bending over backwards just for him, and you don't care about your own son."

I'm sorry. But the only reason I AM talking to Tom again is BECAUSE of OUR SON. She has NO FUCKING CLUE. I know she is jealous that she doesn't have a boy. She calls him "my baby" and cuddles him, but he always reaches for his Mama.

A year ago they were fucking yelling at me telling me I should go marry "my husband", because that's the right thing to do. Now all of a sudden they believe he's going to kidnap my son? What would Tom gain from that people? Come the fuck on. Now when Tom is actually being a father to his son, they suddenly have an issue with that to? What the fuck do they want? It's 2008 I do NOT need to be married, and quite frankly at this point I never WANT to be married, the odds are against everyone anyway. I'd rather just fuck random guys and not have to worry about washing their clothes the next week, asking them how their day at the office was, and if they'd PLEASE help the kids with their homework.

They are the one's who want to take my son. They try to pass him off as theirs, but then yell at me saying, it's not their job to support him, they put a roof over his head, and that's it. They didn't even get him a Christmas or birthday present... and right, he's "your son"?

I'm sorry that I made the decision to keep MY baby, I'm sorry if that's "not what you wanted for me", I'm sorry I'm not married to the only guy you ever approved of, and I'm sorry I don't want to get stuck in a loveless abusive marriage like you. I know better than that. I know what is best for my son, and I put him before everything else, unlike you, who put your husband first.

Sam said she wanted to tell my mother off this morning for yelling at me, and say "Well, I know someone else who listens to the guy instead of giving their own opinion." Right on Sam, even though it's not true to myself, my mother just thinks it is.

I'm just so freaking tired of it all. I've had to grow up with this shit my entire life, Dino has had to deal with it for a year, and that's a year too long in my book. If all goes well, me and Sam will be out of here by September or October, and we probably will never speak to them. If the bitch wants to put her husband before her children, then so be it. Have a nice life together, when he threatens to kill you again, you wont have us to cry to.

1. Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Cat No Car

2. Your gangsta name (fave ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Chocolate Mary Jane Pump

3. Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Purple Cat

4. Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Victoria Queens

5. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, the first two letters of your first name): Katem

6. Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Pink Tea

7. NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Peter Konstantinos

8. Stripper name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Lavender Chocolate

10. TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): McClaulan sp? Manhattan

11. Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Lavender

12. Cartoon name: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Peach Dress

13. Hippie name (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Corn bread Weeping Willow


Man that was fun.

1) Can you fill this out without answering "I don't know"?
Sure!

2) Are you involved with anyone?
No... sadly.

3) Would you take an ex back?
A certain one, yes I would.

4) Where do you wish you were right now?
Asleep in a really comfortable bed that doesn't have springs after fucking for a few hours.

5) What should you be doing right now
Sleeping.

6) Is anything bothering you right now?
My nipples are sore.

7) Are you a bad influence?
Hell yes I am!

8) Day out or night in?
Huh?

9) Are you more of an individual or an outgoing person?
Depends on the situation and the people involved.

10) Feelings?
For some strange reason really fucking emotional.

11) What items could you not go without during the day?
Bottle of water, and Burts Bees lipbalm.

12) Would you share a drink with a stranger?
Hell no, people have AIDS.

13) Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
My son in the NICU.

14) Last hug?
My son.

15) Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?
Two words: oral sex.

16) Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
Coffee in the morning, wine or other drink at night, sometimes followed by another coffee.

17) Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?
I'm poor I need my shoes.

18) What does the last text message in your inbox say?
No messages.

19) How do you feel about your life right now?
Ok... things could be much better.

20) Explain why you last threw up?
Pregnant

21) How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
None.

22) Do you hate anyone?
I hate a lot of people.

23) Do you like anyone right now?
Ugh... why this question...

24) Do you talk dirty to people?
Yes... and that's the reason why I'm an emotional wreck right now.

25) If we were to look in your phone call history, what would we find?
Calls from my son's father.

26) Will you have a valentine this year?
Probably not.

27) Anyone upset you lately?
Every fucking day of my life.

28) Last person you talked to on the phone?
My son's father.

29) Can you easily tell if someone is fake?
Yep.

30) How's your heart?
Medically wise... fine... I'm hoping... emotionally wise... still broken from 2 years ago.

60 Things You Can't Possibly Know About Me

What is on your bed right now?
iBook and plug

What's your favorite word or phrase?
Heiny

What were you doing at 8am this morning?
Trying to sleep.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Breastfeeding my son.

Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope.

What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Go to sleep Mr." to my son.

What is the best ice cream flavor?
Chocolate

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water

What are you wearing right now?
Pajamas

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Shit, I wish.

When was the last time you ran?
I physically can not run.

What's the last sporting event you watched?
Soccer in the park.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Yep.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Italy

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on MySpace?
No one.

Ever go camping?
Nope

Do you have a tan?
Slightly... it'll get there.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
No.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Sometimes, especially the stick out your tongue dude.

Have you learned anything today?
Yes, that a one year old has the ability to need less sleep then I do.

Are you someone's best friend?
A few people call me that, yes.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Going into the city, and have a free, yet very guilty day away from my son.

Look to your left, what do you see?
My son's crib.

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Lots of animals that can kill you.

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Yes

Last person you talked to on the phone?
My son's father.

What do you wish you had right now?
A guy next to me.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
24... damn I'm old.

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Sadly, yes.

How did you get some of your scars?
Slicing myself open with large knifes while trying to cook dinner or wash dishes.

Today after weeks of debating if I should purchase it, I bought this knitting bag, that is supposed to fit one big skein of yarn (which I am done with acrylic, I'm a natural fiber type of gal now, and they only come in small balls) a project and needles and such all to carry along with you. The average price for the bag online is 25 dollars, I paid 9.99 bucks. Indeed, good buy. So now, since I have finally untangled, my new favorite yarn... I can place my latest sock project in the bag and not have to worry about ruining the yarn or my wood (Harmony Wood to be exact) double pointed needles breaking.

I also picked up a Tavli (Backgammon in Greek) board, for a whopping $2.97! Mwahahaha! It's a Pressman addition, paper thin, very cheap, but I don't care, I've wanted to learn for so long, and now I can... however the instructions are... short, not detailed, and quite confusing. So now I have to find good rules online somewhere that aren't in Greek.

I am excited about my new socks... but I kept forgetting about Dino's unfinished Aran sweater, sitting in a bag in the closet awaiting me to order one more ball of wool... cause Vanna White's instructions were not correct when it came to the amount of yardage needed for the size 24 months. Dino needs his big boy sweater for the chilly spring nights, and I mustn't forget the buttons! Sam was actually supposed to weld them for me from silver in a little Celtic knot pattern... too bad she graduated. Now I have to find buttons that are worthy of being sewn onto that sweater!

I am gonna try and make as many projects as I can this summer so me and Dino can wear them during winter. Why buy wooly socks and sweaters when I can make them myself!

I am never going to win at home. Me and Sam finally have a plan in place to leave. It's a good one, somewhat expensive but it's what's best for my son as well as me and Sam. I am just praying I get this job, it'll take my mind off of all the shit going on.

I suppose I don't need to reiterate what absolute assholes my parents are. I hate them, I only love two people in this world, my son and my sister. I used to love someone else, but that's a whole other story.

Sometimes Sam doesn't love me back... I can honestly say she probably doesn't love anyone right now. So in a sense all I really have is Dino. Things will get better when we go.

It's weird being a mother, most people equate that with being a responsible adult, but I don't feel like one.

It's funny cause I can take care of my son, cook for him, do his laundry, give him a bath, feed him, give him a nap, kisses when he is feeling lovey dovey, and hold him when he needs it. But I don't want the other responsibilities of adult hood, getting a job, making money and paying pills. I hate the whole notion of working. I want nothing more than to stay at home with my son, keep our place clean and neat, read him stories and all the other things that modern parents and especially single moms don't get to do.

Being a single mom is a love hate thing, in one sense, it is liberating that I don't have to listen to someone else put in their two cents about my son, I can raise him how I want, but on the other hand providing him for myself is just a bitch, I don't want to have to go to work every day all day. I was raised believing that some man would sweep me off my feet and take care of me and my children for the rest of my life. Yeah we swept me off my feet alright... but the other part will never come to fruition.

It just doesn't work like that anymore. My entire life I was trained to be a fucking house wife, and now I have no skills except domestic ones. I can sew buttons, cook, bake, iron, wash, get the stains out of the toilet bowl, and still manage to keep my son and 12 year old sister occupied.

I've just come to the conclusion that I'm just not good at anything else. My favorite hobby now is knitting. I sound like some old wife, minus the husband.

Perhaps I should just listen to my parents for once and marry some rich Jew.

I just don't know how to make myself happy anymore. Dino makes me happy, but living with my parents is placing a serious strain on my parenting skills.

I am seriously praying that it all gets better if and when I get this job, maybe this third move out will be the charm and everything will fall into place.

I don't know.

So I got pink roses from Dino and two cards.

I ain't get my mother shit. Bitch don't deserve it.

The past weekend was INSANE!

First Thursday, Tom, the life saver that he is took care of Dino most of the day so I could get homework done.

Friday my friend Keila's 21st birthday party. She's Puerto Rican, so the fridge was full of Carona's and limes. Sam Morales, her room mate cooked rice and pork, and oh my god... it was soooo good. Me and Dino slept over, but sleeping is over rated cause I was the only one in that house not getting laid that night!

Saturday we all wake up early, chill, have breakfast, then bullshit about sex for a good four hours, needless to say alcohol was part of breakfast as well. After that I met up with Laurabel at my house (she got there first). I reeked of food, beer, cigarettes, but not sex... sadly, so took a quick shower, and then it was off to Pizza Hut with Tookie and Dino. Fun times at Pizza Hut. After that we browsed through Party City and got three ghetto ass balloons to take to Danielle's to see Aidan.

Aidan is so cute! He looks exactly like his father. Dino met Aidan but wasn't interested, he wanted to play with the doggies. Sandy's father is cool as hell, I don't even know the man and we had an awesome conversation. So after visiting the new mommy, me met Tom at the mall, trying to hit him up for some ice cream. We wound up getting Dino a new pair of shoes, cause his feet grew and he's now in a size 6! But he's a shoe type of guy, he loves them. So he's happy. Laurabel was the only one that got a smoothie, and I just wanted to say that it's so funny when he makes "evil" faces at Dino, because her eyes are so pretty and it's the weirdest thing in the world to see someone with pretty eyes do an angry face. She took me Dino, and Tookie home. Tookie was well behaved, surprisingly, but I gave her a pep talk. You will be SEEN NOT HEARD!

Sunday and Mother's Day! Last year I was stuck washing laundry and doing housework. I did not want to do that again this year... I went out with Dino's grandparents, aunt and uncle and cousin and Tom to brunch. It was fun, the food was tasty, Dino didn't make that big of a mess and he had lots of fun with Joshua who is about 8 months older than he is. Dino got his mama some pink roses and a card, I also got another card from his grandma. It was a fun day for my little boy.

In the morning it was so cute, I was getting him ready in his outfit, and I told him it was mommy's day and asked him if he loved his mommy, he gave me a head butt and a kiss. He didn't stop laughing and smiling the whole day... just trying to get a kiss out of that child is so freakin' difficult! When we got home from that, it was just me and Dino all to ourselves. So I threw together some leftovers for a mommy and me din din, and we sat and watched episodes of Family Guy on my computer while we ate. Dino likes Family Guy, I don't really let him watch TV, but there are a couple of shoes which he recognizes the theme songs from and it's entertaining to watch him watch the computer screen. We then had mommy and me ice cream and then went upstairs to my room where we have since been resting, and now my darling little boy is fast asleep. I just have to get him in his own bed... blah.

These past 4 days have been really busy and fun. It's just nice to be able to go to a party, have a couple of drinks and take care of my son as well instead of leaving him with my evil mother.

I feel exhausted but I think I'm too excited to sleep, plus I unfortunately have to wait for Samantha to come home so I can open the door for this bitch, she better tell me Happy Mother's Day! She was supposed to buy me a present!!

My parents think that Dino is their son. I realize that they don't have a son... well Samantha is manly enough... but seriously, I am his mother, I had him, I should be able to plan something as simple as his baptism by myself with the help of his Godmother. But I know their excuse to everything pertaining to my son and it's just not fair. I get it. If I was married I would be planning this with my husband, but I'm not, so I have to plan it with the person who actually IS involved with this whole mess... Laura.

I also realize that Greek events are well, Greek, a hell of a lot of people, but this is America, and I want something small for my son. I didn't want more than twenty people. And another problem is that I want MY friends there. My peers, the people who supported me during my pregnancy, the people who have supported my son, who have told me that I am a good mother and enjoy being in mine and my son's company. Not my parents pretend friends half of which I don't even know and could care less to know.

Now they called me anti social, because my mother said I have to invite about 20 more people that I don't want to see. I hate parties like that, weddings, baptisms, even funerals, people go just for the fucking party. Now what kills this even more, is that three of these people are like filthy rich and own restaurants. I am poor. Why can't these people who donate to their local churches anyway, donate to my function? No, they're just gonna come and free load.

I understand the whole issue of sharing a special event with people. Were these fuckers there when my son was in the NICU? No, no one was. Dino's birth has been the most special moment in my life, and will top every other event for the rest of my life, and only my closest friends celebrated with me. I don't care if they're not family, they act more like family then my real family. It's nice to know that people are so fucking concerned with blood relations. I don't want my aunt or cousins, or my uncle there. They've seen my son once, at my uncles funeral nonetheless. Nice place to meet a baby for the first time isn't it?

At this point I don't even wanna go through with this. I've always said, I don't give a shit if my son is a gay Satanic garbage man, if he is happy in life, then I will be to. People just don't give a shit about people's happiness anymore. They're more than happy to make me miserable and randomly bombard my son with all these strangers in what is supposed to be an intimate moment.

If they want to have some huge function, then they need to do it themselves, count me out. I know the people who matter in my life.

I wanted this to be special for him, regardless that I'm not a very religious person. I didn't have a babyshower for him, I didn't have a coming home party either. His birthday party was pathetic to say the least... and now what?

I mean it's not like he's going to remember it. But still.

I'm just tired of my parents thinking they can control him. They want to take him down to Florida for the entire summer... did I have a say in it at all. No, it's just we're taking him so you can work and not have to worry about him. Right, because I'm not going to worry about him more because he's a thousand miles away from me in the boondocks of Florida where there are poisonous snakes and alligators!

I keep saying this all boils down to the same thing, my mother is jealous that she didn't give my father a son. Men are always proud of their sons. They want them to be just like daddy. And my dad, is all so happy that he has a grandson, who every so often he still slips and says "come to daddy" instead of "come to papou". He treats him like gold, he tells him about the fun times they will have when he takes him on the boat and when he takes him in whatever sports car he buys next. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of men thinking they need to treat boys like that. As if they wont grow up unless they have this overly manly presence in their lives!

You know, fifty years ago, men just didn't help in child rearing. Why does it have to change now? I say leave the mothers to do their jobs.

I am typing this on the brand spanking new keyboard of my iBook. It is alive and well. It suffered terrible damage at the hand of the evil one. But now, it is back and everything is in tact. I was so worried about Dino's baby pictures, but they're all there and that is good. I will go home tonight and back them up to CD, and print out the really good ones. All will be well.

So now hopefully I wont fail... I have lots of work to catch up on. That I don't even have with me right now... I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to get it back today.

I have to be in class in about 40 minutes. Fun time. I have to finish that stupid reading. Blah.

Oh well time to go.

I only went to the mall to get lunch and to see KB Toy Store had a decent playground ball for Dino. KB Toy Store is not longer there... didn't even say what was coming next. So I just walked around for a bit and happened upon a large set up for Loreal Paris. They were giving free mini make overs, so I decided, why the hell not, I have a couple of hours before my next class.

I got a free goody bad filled with full sized product, two sets of good sized samples of shampoo, plus a customized "natural day look" for myself. The ladies were so nice, and didn't do a bad job on my makeup either. I wound up buying the eyeshadow and lip colour they used on me. Now I look pretty!

I haven't worn makeup in a long long time. Just didn't feel like putting it on, and believe you me, I have tons! But since I quit my job, I just never found a reason to get all dolled up so to speak.

I think I'm gonna make more of an effort. Dino deserves a pretty mommy, and besides I have to live up to my reputation as a MILF.

It's funny how a little thing like some eyeshadow and lip gloss can really make you feel like a woman.

In other news, I called this place in Montclair today who were listed on the Apple site for service and repairs. I was going to call several places to find out prices, but this place... CHEAP AS HELL! Hopefully their service is good... they are located in Montclair, so they do have to service rich people's Mac's. I'm hoping. Anyway, they have a flat $25 diagnostic fee, where they actually OPEN IT UP to take a look at it. Then he said it's $100 to clean it, if that's all it needs, but the diagnostic fee will be deducted from that, so in total all I will have to pay is $75 bucks!! That is sheer genius! Hopefully they will be able to fix it, so I can get all my work done for the rest of the semester, and that BITCH TOOKIE is never fucking even LOOKING at my iBook again! I don't care what my parents say, she can use their gay ass computer.

I am praying that by this time next week, I will have my beloved iBook back, as well as all my darling little boy's photos... which I will print out!!

Yesterday it was just me and Dino having good old fashioned mommy and son time. I went and bought him a new stroller, it's a Jeep Wrangler, not the one I originally wanted but the same price and extra storage, he likes it and it is a breeze to take on the Subway.

After our outing to buy him the stroller, I had to go into the city to 23rd St to Tekserve. They only service Mac's. The entire place was filled with the hippest people imaginable. So I sat for over one hour, all the white trying to entertain a very squirmy wormy baby, just for a free estimate. The initial price the dude gave me was $295 and that is just for liquid spill clean up. He was ready to write me up and everything and I just had to flat out tell him, I can't afford that. So I packed my poor iBook into it's case and began pushing Dino away. The dude actually came over to me when I was zipping Dino back up and told me he could drop it to $245... I suppose he felt bad for me... single mom, college student... no job... wearing a purple pair of Crocs... hair disheveled... you get the picture. I still can't afford that... and on top of that there is no guarantee that it will work. And they will not refund the money, cause someone had to sit down for countless hours cleaning the damn mess that Tookie started in the first place.

He flat out said that I might as well buy a new machine. Right cause that's $1000 bucks I don't have. And then all of Dino's baby pics are STILL lost.

Tookie should pay... but of course my parents blame me.

Bastards all of them.

Well after that... I started calling Mac and or computer geeks to see if they could help... Ant is gonna ask around.

So very sad... yet happy that Dino is no longer squirming, I take him to Starbuck's for Hot Chocolate and a piece of marble pound cake. I usually get him a chocolate chip cookie, so needless to say he was someone disappointed that the small brown baggie contained the cake instead of the cookie, but he ate some anyway.

I then decided to walk the other way to Whole Foods... with the intention of buying a box of the new organic Cinna Bunnie's cereal for Dino, and a new tube of peppermint Burt's Bee's lip balm. Well I forgot the balm, but Dino got a box of Cinna Bunnies, a box of Bunnie cookies, and a bag of frozen blueberries to mix into the whole wheat buttermilk pancakes. While in the store we got a sample of goji berry juice, which is pretty much tasteless but has a slight tartness to it. Dino took one sip, made a face, then wanted another sip and made another face and shook his head no. So sue me for trying to get Dino to eat healthy. I also found out that they sell frozen sword fish for 10 something a pound, when my mom said it usually sells for 15. So... next time it's grilled sword fish for din din... with some obscure side dish that me and Sammy make up.

After that... it was time to head home, Dino was starting to get antsy again so I gave him a drink from my water bottle and then let him hold the bottle. Just as the train pulled up, and we were getting on, bam! He drops the bottle and it rolls between the gap. So there goes my favorite water bottle which I spent 10 bucks just cause it's PINK and holds 32oz. Of course he cried on the train because he didn't have it any more.

Overall adventures with Dino go well and we have lots of fun.

So to those of you with deep pockets....

Yes, here it comes.

Please donate to The Save Emmy's iBook Fund. I need to raise at least $250 to $300 bucks for repairs. It will save me from failing! Think of all the cute pictures of Dino you are missing out on, cause I have no place to load them on to!

Do it for Dino... so his mommy can graduate, and get a job.

Yes... exploiting my son.


P.S. There is a crazy bitch in the comp lab. She's saying people are misbehaving. And the cops have come in. This is what's up. She's Indian and says that this dude was doing something inappropriate... He was actually rubbing his stomach. It's shit like this that makes my day!

If I wasn't in such severe pain all the time, Tookie (my 12 year old sister aka Dorothea {yeah some gift from God my ass!}) would be dead. And of course, I would be in jail... and Dino would be living with Tom.

But I don't have the strength to beat the shit out of that brat.

She spilled grapefruit soda, that she shouldn't have even been drinking all over my iBook.

I am behind in schoolwork... and probably can't even afford to fix the damn thing.

The worst part about it all is, cause seriously I can live without a computer, all of Dino's baby pictures were on that computer, now I know, I put the best ones online on facebook and here, and that means they're on photobucket, but there were so many other ones, cute ones, when he was really really little, first born!

I just pray they are not gone forever, I don't have a very good photo printer, so I kept putting off printing them all out.

It is sad.

Cause then there are also my old fanfiction, much of the handwritten stuff was lost in my move, but there was so much on that iBook. Yeah I know thinking of it now, it was so stupid of me to write it all... but so much time went into it, and it was also one of the most popular on the site I had them posted on. Kids still email me and IM me asking if I'm going to finish.

I'm tired of that brat ruining my things. I had to yell at her all week to stop bothering MY SON. She acts like he's a doll that she can play with any old time she feels like! She steals my jewelery, she took and lost a pair of bamboo knitting needles to knit this teacher she has a crush on a scarf!

I going to have to take my iBook to techserve in the city... I just hope it's under 200 or so to fix it. It only cost 940 and it's 3 years old, it's not worth it to spend more than that, but on the other hand... I don't want to have to go and get my 4000 from the city to buy a new computer, cause I know my parents will find out and take the rest of the money. I have to save that cash, which is why I haven't gone to get the check.

All will be better when I get out of there.

I just hope dear sister (Sammy) can get a good enough job so she can afford at least a studio, then me and my little boy can move with her. I can afford to buy groceries, and other things, that's it.

If anybody knows someone who will fix my iBook for free or for really cheap... please let me know. I probably won't be able to check this... so call my cell.

973-901-2036

My parents are going away to their house in Florida for the week of the 15th, which just happens to be my spring break. Sure I get stuck babysitting that evil child Tookie, but are me and Sammy happy? HELL FUCKING YEAH WE ARE!

So, here it is, Saturday night, the 15th, PARTY. Like complete and utter crazy ass house party, food, drinks, loud music, anything and everything goes. Sex in the linen closet? Sure, why the hell not! Beer chugging on the patio? You bet! Can we blast heavy metal so loud the house shakes? Of course!

We're looking to make our neighbors mad, really mad. This one bitch Octavia, we can't stand, I want that bitch dead. She can't do shit, cause it's private property, and oh yeah, we've got American papers unlike your illegal ass. Bitch comes up in our house knocking on the door likes she's our landlady or something collecting rent! BITCH STAY ON YOUR LAND! I swear, her and her stupid home owners association! This is America not China, if you need to feel important and boss people around than go back to your country and run a fucking sweat shop!

So with that out of the way...

We have four full floors (3 above, 1 basement, MY ROOM IS OFF LIMITS!), full open bar, patio in the backyard. Need to crash? We have 2 queen sized sofa beds, and two love seats, and if you're extra adventurous you can sleep on my parents king size (which of course opens up a whole new world of possibilities!).

Are we crazy? Could we get caught? What about the po-pos (police for you non ghetto folk)? We ARE crazy, we WON'T get caught, and the po-pos don't come unless whitie get's shot (in all other cases, it can take up to 45 minutes or more for them to arrive, and the station is right behind our house).

So, come join the Katehis sisters for a fun spring break party, clothes optional.

We start the music at 6pm, so show up any time before or after that. BYOB if you feel the need to do so. We don't drink beer, but if that's your drink, then bitch bring it. Munchies are also welcome, we is poor folk after all and can't afford everything. (Let us know if you have allergies to anything!)

Parking is in the street next to the drive way. Car pool mother fuckers!

Here's the place... and be warned that there might be Prudential traffic, alternate route is through Harrison.

39 Val Sumo Lane (just off Ferry Street)
Newark New Jersey 07105

PS BRING BUDDIES! The more the merrier, this party is basically making up for the lack of parties the past year and a half.

PPS I have not mentioned Dino... he will be sleeping by 7:30 or 8, his usual bed time, he sleeps through loud things all the time, so don't worry about him, also I am breast feeding him (YES STILL!) so no more than one drink for me and I will be in bed no later than midnight myself, which gives me roughly 7 hours of sleep before my little one wakes up.

Me and Sammy are responsible adults, so if any one has a problem with us throwing a Spring Break party then go fuck yourself!

Is anyone even reading my journal? No one ever comments anymore! What the hell?

I finally finished Dennis' scarf.

It took too long... not that it was difficult... not in the least. I just had either too much pain to knit or no time to knit, which both of course make me sad.

I used to find little snippets of time to knit while Dino napped or slept... but I've been in so much pain lately that I nap and sleep right along with Dino. Pain makes me tired... either that or their is something else wrong. My mom said that anemia makes you tired but only if it's really bad. I haven't been checked for anemia in six months... maybe it got worse.

I should probably talk about my doctor's appointments.

First off, they scheduled me with the wrong clinic, and then I had to admitted under special circumstances to the correct clinic because their appointments are backed up until September.

Second. Everyone knows I have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis, both of which are an autoimmune disease, but not everyone in god damned UMDNJ needs to know. I swear they brought in the entire dermatology department to look at me.

Third. I am in pain. Severe pain. right now I have to take 800mg of Ibuprophin 3 times a day just to manage the pain cause that's the only thing that's safe... Dino still has a booby fix, and will still have a booby fix for another six months at least.

I seriously wish i could afford my acupuncturist, then I would be cured.... well maybe not cured, but not in any pain any more. That man was God. I hate modern medicine. But medicaid doesn't cover it, and I don't work, so here I am trying to seek relief from two Dr.s (wow that didn't sound right) instead of one doctor treating the autoimmune disease.

Now I just wish someone would look at the levels of hormones I had during pregnancy where I was pain free, and inject me with those levels, slowly of course. WHY aren't they doing research like that?! It makes sense to me, no pain during pregnancy, hmm... what was different besides the baby in the belly?

My son's doctor suggested I wean Dino, because it might help... Perhaps my body is working too much to make milky. But Dino loves his milky and I wont do that to him.

Every answer the doctors had for me was to stop breast feeding Dino. They can't give me anything until he denounces the boob.

So do I live in pain for the next six months to a year, for my son to get the full benefits of breast milk (he's never been really sick, nothing more than a runny nose really) or take back my boobies, so I can get the treatments that I really don't want in or on my body anyway just so I can look better, feel better and maybe be able to work again?

I don't know.

I am lost.

Of course this all boils down to the fact that I shouldn't be living in Jersey, I need heat and sun and the salty sea. Blah.

I went to the mall, dug into my scholarship money and bought my self a pair of grape mary jane Crocs. I am happy.

Now here is the funny part. People at Victoria's Secret are retarted. They were having a promotion, buy $30 worth of Pink apparel and then you can buy this Pink water bottle for an additional $5. Well the regular price of the water bottle is $10, I've seen water bottles like that for $15 and up, so I was like, shit, I'm just getting the water bottle and spending $10, especially since during the last semi annual sail I got a set of sweats.

Would you believe the lady at the register did not know how to ring up my water bottle, even though there was a bar code on it, that said $10?! And she had to ask her superviser, "this girl, only wants the bottle, and didn't spend $30, what do I do?"

So I told her, "I know it's $10, and that's all I want... I just got stuff from your semi annual sale." I didn't feel it necessary to say that I own way to many pink thongs anyway.

VS used to hire middle aged white women who knew how to measure bras and were knowlegable about womens undies. Now there are nothing but a bunch of ghetto skinny bitches who can't speak English and who can't work a register!

The shit I have to go through to get cute items that make me happy.

Yesterday was Dino's first birthday... and well, I was dissapointed with the number of people that didn't show up, that was just very sad.

I do however have to give so many many thanks to my friend Michael, who went out of his way to buy Dino's birthday cake. He also bought a huge box of wipes from Costco and an outfit and a pair of pajama's. I can't thank him and Sam Morales enough. Their son Mikey, is like Dino's best friend and they played so nice together yesterday, it was the most adorable thing in the world, Dino kept trying to put Mikey's pacifier back in Mikey's mouth, it was so cute.

I also want to thank Laura and her mommy, my birthday card was really cute! I loved it, and the little striped one piece is perfect for summer.

So.... today's my birthday, and I'm stuck doing laundry and sorting through mountains of baby clothes that no longer fit. And as I use my computer for the first time in weeks, I realize that Dorothea absolutely destroyed the frame... I don't know how the fuck she did it but it's all bent out of shape. At least it still works. I don't need to be stuck in the computer lab on campus doing homework.

Blah... this is seriously the worst birthday ever. Only Samantha wished me happy birthday this morning, and Stef called me... and I'm really looking forward to seeing her real soon.

Sam, was supposed to take me out to Cuban Pete's today and then we were gonna go see Meet the Spartans... but of course my mother say's that I'm not allowed to take the baby out in this cold.

I can't even go any where to make myself happy.... not that I even have the money to buy my own self a present.

AND on top of that my mom made chicken soup for dinner! Me and Dino both hate chicken soup!

So many of you may know that, I no longer talk to Tom, and I pretty much want to keep it that way as long as I live. Unfortunatly, I have to now fight with the court so he does not get joint custudy of MY son, which as many of you also know, he has shown zero interest in and wont even admit to being his father. Needless to say, last night I dreamt about him, something that I unfortunatly do a lot of and I want to constantly beat myself up over.

In the dream we were silent for the most part but we were walking Dino through what appeared to be Toys R Us, and trying to find a toy for him that surpasses my huge list what a baby toy should and should not do. Anyway, we both bent down to look at this one toy, (it was some sort of bath toy) and Dino was kind of interested in something else, and it occured to my dream self to ask dream Tom a question, so I asked, "what do you want him (meaning Dino obviously) to call you?" and dream Tom, without looking at me just said "he can call me dad." Now this is funny to me, because I recall asking him what "the baby would call him" way back when I was pregnant, or Dino was born already, I don't remember, and he told me that he didn't know, and now I'm thinking, if this dude does get visitation rights, what the hell IS Dino going to call him. You just don't go around calling any old guy "dad", that is like a special word researved for people that actually act like fathers, it's a term of endearment almost.

But anyway, that was that part of the dream, then it turned night and time for us to leave and still those were the only words spoken, nothing was purchased and we began walking outside, which looked like an open war zone, there was barbed wire every where and machine guns going off, and it was the end of the dream and I found myself alone, without Dino, wondering where he was, and I was by myself hiding under one of those car lifts you see at the parking lots jsut sort of watching it all go down.

Now me, analyzing this dream is just my anxieties over this whole court case nonesence about loosing Dino and what not. I mean none of my dreams have ever come true, so I don't have to worry about a war zone outside the local Toys R Us. It was just a strange dream, and especially striking were the two single sentences which were uttered, which I explained above.

I just hate having dreams like that, with HIM in them to boot. Further more it was like the first time ever that I dreamt of Dino because the last time I distinctly remember dreaming that I wiped his little nads off! (which is now funny, because since then Dino has now "found" his parts and I swear one of these days he's gonna pull them off during a diaper change)

I just seriously need to move... leave and start a new life. I just should have done that from the beginning, new baby, new life. But no, I have a baby and my old crappy life.

Anyway I have to get to class... philosophy, just another subject invented by Greek men to make themselves seem better than the rest of the world. Think about it.